over the years iâ€™ve worked with many people who have desired a different situation with their orgasms than what theyâ€™ve had. theyâ€™ve wanted to have them sooner, or later, more of them or less. lots of people who wanted to change their reality of their sexualities, and iâ€™ve helped them. [whip crack] [clears throat softly] [hinges creak] now when i say helped them--itâ€™s to relate to their sexualites. changing their sexuality is secondary work that is usually unnecessary. take for example rapid ejaculation: coming within 30 seconds to a minute of contact.
the clients i work with really struggle with this. they feel inadequate, they canâ€™t get their penis inside a person before it erupts. sometimes maybe a few thrusts, but not always enough to please a partner. theyâ€™re brave talking with me about how quickly it happens but embarrassed talking with partners, even shy to meet new people fearing that itâ€™s going to be humiliating the next time. there are techniques which can slow these people down. but before i get there iâ€™m determined to ask: â€œwhy?â€ why do they need to slow down? why should they feel humiliated, inadequate, ashamed of their unique sexual expression? really, why?! as iâ€™ve said in this episode, ejaculation is a method used by many species to share male gametes with female gametes.
ejaculating rapidly or otherwise does this: it moves male gametes to female gametes. in fact, if close to 1/3 of all males experience this so-called premature, early, rapid ejaculation, it seems to me like a strategy to come quick, rather than a failure to last long. so, high five? in her article â€œno honey, it really is okayâ€ dr. debby herbenick brings it back to sex education. if 1/3 of the population is experiencing ejaculation like this it is normal! ok, so if thatâ€™s the case, maybe itâ€™s the sexual satisfaction were hung up on? well, if their partners are being fed the same messages about inadequacy, then yes. if society says, â€œhe comes then itâ€™s done,â€ yeah, there will probably be disappointment.
but let me be your sexologist. when he comes all sorts of things can happen. hands! mouths! toys, cuddling, a nap then another round! the limitation is not in the time of anyoneâ€™s orgasm, it's in the use of your imagination. i mean, this person who experiences rapid ejaculation can hold off on arousal, give pleasure to this person, make sure that theyâ€™re satisfied, and then have their rapid ejaculation. the reality of sexuality is that when surveyed, the partners of people who experienced rapid ejaculation were very mildly distressed by it. their concern was mostly a result of the concerns their partner had. timing really mostly didnâ€™t matter. remember my clients, the people disappointed they couldnâ€™t last longer? i hope youâ€™ve gathered that the disappointment, not the length of time is their problem.
disappointment is a result of having expectations. first suggestion: become aware of your expectations. are you expecting yourself to have someone elseâ€™s sexuality? are you expecting yourself to go for a certain time or event? why? thereâ€™s plenty of time to answer these questions. you know, â€˜cause you already came. second suggestion: expect what has happened rather than what you would like to have happened. here iâ€™ll model it for you. alright, iâ€™m gonna come as soon as my penis gets wet. ready, go, mmm! if youâ€™re the person of someone who comes quickly, maybe itâ€™s the realization youâ€™re going to feel annoyed.
go back to the first suggestion to identify why you have these feelings you do, then accept them. third suggestion:if you still want to alter your bodyâ€™s sexual experience in a specific way you can play around with these tricks: race yourself: to get control of your ejaculation in the other direction instead of trying to slow down. try to control your ejaculation by speeding it up. act more dominant in your relationship: oddly enough, many sexologists have noticed that rapid ejaculation is present in men with domineering mothers. balance your power dynamics. practice the stop-start technique: start arousal, stop mid-level excitement. let excitement diminish, then start again.
pay attention to your sexual response cycle: this video describes the queues to watch for. you could also do the squeeze technique: squeezing the penis just below the head just before ejaculation. hopefully, by knowing your sexual response cycle youâ€™ll know when this is. many people have found the most success with coming prior to partner sex. be it minutes, hours, or days depending on your bodyâ€™s turn around time. desensitizers: especially made creams wrapped in condoms can slow excitement too. just, yes wear a condom.
not only because it can aid in desensitizing, but also because you probably donâ€™t want to get the cream in or on your partnerâ€™s body. and also condoms for many other reasons. lastly, and maybe all along; work with a sexologist. having space without judgement some of my clients have made their own realizations. like how as children their rushed, shameful efforts to masturbate before being caught may have contributed to their fast-acting fun as adults. whether itâ€™s pressure to come when you want to, ejaculate like someone else, or know how to fix it, relieve the pressure.
celebrate your quick draw. and stay curious! if you have some monies please go to this site and support us. if you want to chat about sexy things, facetumwitter is where weâ€™re at. and if you want sexplanations swag, bing! suddenly iâ€™m a penis! laughs